Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Excuse me. No, excuse me. No, really, excuse me.
I have this thing. It's a thing, okay? It's a bugbear, it keeps me up at night, I find myself ranting to strangers about it, and it consumes much of my day.
"What is this thing that is a thing that it is that you have?" I hear you cry. (Or not. But we'll come to that whole hearing voices issue later.)
People don't say "Excuse me" any more.
Seriously. It nags at me. It makes me twitch and grimace and fume about the substandard humanity one encounters these days.
It's not like the phrase is unusual in any way. If I wanted people to say it in French that could be a bit odd (though, admittedly, containing fewer syllables). But no. All I feel that people should do is say "Excuse me" in the appropriate social situations. Like getting past you on the bus. Trying to move forward in a line. Dragging their screaming demonspawn past you to get to the one free toilet. When they want to reach past you to get something off the shelf in the supermarket, and you've drifted off into a sordid sexual fantasy involving the unconvincing "Lady" from Little Britain...
...
...
Sorry, got lost in the moment there.
I'm sure you would agree that these are entirely appropriate moments to enunciate clearly and precisely and politely that golden phrase "Excuse me". And you'd be right. However, it appears that the rest of the population of this big brown land feels differently.
There are a couple of standard actions and phrases that are resorted to in most of the above situations. Due to my endless search for the elusive "Excuse me" and sheer bloody mindedness, I have managed to force those members of the population who are unfortunate enough to encounter me into one easy flowing action, guarenteed to make the most sociopathic person uncomfortable.
Taking the bus example:
I am sitting on the outside seat, reading a novel. A hand appears in front of me and presses the bell. I continue to read my novel. The bus approaches the bus stop. I feel rather than see the passenger that I have trapped leaning towards me, attempting an escape through my legs. I continue to read my novel. The unfortunate passenger stands up and looms over me, pressing into the sides of my legs with their knees. I look up in (mock) surprise, attempting to make eye contact. They panic and look sideways and whisper (or, more often, mouth silently) "Sorry", at which point I kindly release them from the uncomfortable situation.
Okay, so this is the really really annoying thing, the thing that makes me purple of cheek and spittle flecked of mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SORRY FOR??!!
I mean, really? There's nothing to be sorry about (well, I'm sure there's always something, but I'm not going to delve into their private lives or political beliefs - I'm simply happy to categorise them as social pariahs due to their unwillingness to make eye contact). It's a stupid stupid phrase to use.
Have you chopped off my legs at the knees so that you can get past? No. Right, then don't be sorry.
Have you infected me with a more heinous influenza than anyone has ever encountered before? No. No sorry for you.
Have you turned me down when I've asked you out? No. Would you like to go out? No. Sorry. Okay that's a fair sorry, I'll give you that one.
See? Sorry is not the phrase that needs to be used. You know what is the right phrase? Go on, have a guess. I betcha can't guess. Really. Okay, all together now.
"Excuse me".
Happy sigh.
However, here's the rub:
You know what happens when you use "Excuse me" in every day social interactions? People look at you like you're a freak. They say "That's okay." They stare at you as if you were diseased. They start, and shiver, and slink away from you. They act as if you are finding fault with them (which, obviously, is a fair call. That's definitely what I'm doing).
Of course, the fact that every time someone doesn't use "Excuse me" to me, I mutter/shout/say/inflect "Excuse me is the acceptable form of verbal intercouse appropriate to this interaction" probably isn't endearing me to the population in general.
So what have we learnt from today's rant?
a) If you see me on public transport or in the supermarket, and you have to come anywhere near me, you know what to say.
b) Start saying Excuse me to everyone you encounter - let's start a trend, people!
c) I so needed to get that off my chest.
You're excused.
"What is this thing that is a thing that it is that you have?" I hear you cry. (Or not. But we'll come to that whole hearing voices issue later.)
People don't say "Excuse me" any more.
Seriously. It nags at me. It makes me twitch and grimace and fume about the substandard humanity one encounters these days.
It's not like the phrase is unusual in any way. If I wanted people to say it in French that could be a bit odd (though, admittedly, containing fewer syllables). But no. All I feel that people should do is say "Excuse me" in the appropriate social situations. Like getting past you on the bus. Trying to move forward in a line. Dragging their screaming demonspawn past you to get to the one free toilet. When they want to reach past you to get something off the shelf in the supermarket, and you've drifted off into a sordid sexual fantasy involving the unconvincing "Lady" from Little Britain...
...
...
Sorry, got lost in the moment there.
I'm sure you would agree that these are entirely appropriate moments to enunciate clearly and precisely and politely that golden phrase "Excuse me". And you'd be right. However, it appears that the rest of the population of this big brown land feels differently.
There are a couple of standard actions and phrases that are resorted to in most of the above situations. Due to my endless search for the elusive "Excuse me" and sheer bloody mindedness, I have managed to force those members of the population who are unfortunate enough to encounter me into one easy flowing action, guarenteed to make the most sociopathic person uncomfortable.
Taking the bus example:
I am sitting on the outside seat, reading a novel. A hand appears in front of me and presses the bell. I continue to read my novel. The bus approaches the bus stop. I feel rather than see the passenger that I have trapped leaning towards me, attempting an escape through my legs. I continue to read my novel. The unfortunate passenger stands up and looms over me, pressing into the sides of my legs with their knees. I look up in (mock) surprise, attempting to make eye contact. They panic and look sideways and whisper (or, more often, mouth silently) "Sorry", at which point I kindly release them from the uncomfortable situation.
Okay, so this is the really really annoying thing, the thing that makes me purple of cheek and spittle flecked of mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SORRY FOR??!!
I mean, really? There's nothing to be sorry about (well, I'm sure there's always something, but I'm not going to delve into their private lives or political beliefs - I'm simply happy to categorise them as social pariahs due to their unwillingness to make eye contact). It's a stupid stupid phrase to use.
Have you chopped off my legs at the knees so that you can get past? No. Right, then don't be sorry.
Have you infected me with a more heinous influenza than anyone has ever encountered before? No. No sorry for you.
Have you turned me down when I've asked you out? No. Would you like to go out? No. Sorry. Okay that's a fair sorry, I'll give you that one.
See? Sorry is not the phrase that needs to be used. You know what is the right phrase? Go on, have a guess. I betcha can't guess. Really. Okay, all together now.
"Excuse me".
Happy sigh.
However, here's the rub:
You know what happens when you use "Excuse me" in every day social interactions? People look at you like you're a freak. They say "That's okay." They stare at you as if you were diseased. They start, and shiver, and slink away from you. They act as if you are finding fault with them (which, obviously, is a fair call. That's definitely what I'm doing).
Of course, the fact that every time someone doesn't use "Excuse me" to me, I mutter/shout/say/inflect "Excuse me is the acceptable form of verbal intercouse appropriate to this interaction" probably isn't endearing me to the population in general.
So what have we learnt from today's rant?
a) If you see me on public transport or in the supermarket, and you have to come anywhere near me, you know what to say.
b) Start saying Excuse me to everyone you encounter - let's start a trend, people!
c) I so needed to get that off my chest.
You're excused.
