Friday, November 04, 2005

Missive from TheAmerican

It's that time of year again. TheAmerican ventured back to his long lost homeland, and once again produced an epistle that puts all of my attempts at writing to shame. And here is an excerpt for your delectation:

"Ahoy, scurvy dogs and Aussie mates...

I have just completed my compulsory re-education sessions. Although I complained a bit at first, I feel lots better now and everything has that rosy glow. And that rosy glow has got nothing to do with the little red pills that all Americans are now required to take before going to bed. Those are just vitamins. Normal, healthy vitamins -- nothing more. Plus, they come in a choice of flavors: Orange, Peppermint and Fascist Berry Blend. Mmmm! Fourth Reich-a-riffic!

Okay. It's not THAT bad here, but I can't ignore the ugly scent of dystopia and discontent hanging in the air like the smell of a dead mouse in an air-conditioning vent. You can even smell it all the way here in deepest, darkest Texas, where even the shit-kickin' okie hillbilly rednecks are getting restless. I'm not expecting an armed revolution or a peoples' uprising by the end of the week or anything, but at least the horrible aroma has got George W. Bush's approval rating sagging to all-time lows. But the Bush chieftan is still strong and battle-drums beat loudly along the great river! If angered, Buss will send out many war canoes. We must step lightly...for now he sleeps.

Speaking of George W, he has made several statements recently urging Americans to drive less and conserve energy in their homes. Even though George is a horribly maligned idiot-fuck and I'd much prefer if a handicapped ape were my president, I am compelled to agree with the principle of energy conservation. Conserving energy is a good idea. People should drive as little as possible and people should turn the fucking lights off when they aren't using them. Sound advice, yes? But this marks a difficult time for me to find myself agreeing, even in the vaguest way, with anything that President Ratface says. Picture yourself in Moscow, circa 1950. Josef Stalin comes on Soviet Public Radio to tell the good people of Mother Russia to eat plenty of green vegetables and get regular aerobic exercise; try jogging to the gulag. All good advice, true, but look where it's coming from. It makes a guy like me suspicious. It makes a guy like me get a sideways look on his face, squint his eyes, and say: "I smell a rat here. Just who is this bozo and what's his angle?" Bottom line: The sick motherfucker should be impeached or imprisoned or tried for crimes against humanity before he kills again. Needless to say, this opinion is not really within the current spectrum of American politicial debate, shit godamnit fuckin-A."

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