Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Nothing is Original But This is New
The moment when two people connect is one that is nigh on impossible to describe to anyone other than those two people – and often as impossible for those two people to explain to each other.
The myths, mysticism, rules and strictures that we apply to that connection play such a huge part of our experience of the world, and seem to exist only to confuse and confuzzle us even further than we are already by consciousness on this round blue ball.
I tend to think that these stories play such a huge part of our culture because, no matter how you get there and how close you get to someone, you will never ever be anywhere except in your own head. You will never ever be able to see inside of theirs, and this is where the rules and quests for reassurance and the fights and the excuses and the general babble of relationships arise. Because it can feel like you know this person inside and out, and yet you can’t hear them in the most intimate manner possible.
Sage and strongly believed advice I’ve received over the years: Never go for someone younger, never go for someone older, someone your own age may not be the best choice, never go for someone who has been single for over twelve months, never go for someone unless they’ve been single for at least twelve months, always make sure that you share at least five interests in common, too many common interests means that you should just be friends, the sex should start tentatively and get better, if the sex starts badly it’ll never get any better, if the sex starts explosively that’s all it will ever be, sex on the first date means that the relationship means nothing, making or taking booty calls will mean that they’ll think you’re a slut, men and women will never understand each other so why try, women only want to control, men only want to be controlled, this is a war to be fought throughout the ages, love is all you need, love is never enough, lust should be discouraged, love takes forever, love happens in that first meeting, love doesn’t exist, pheromones are to blame, it’s all about the chemical reaction, we’re attracted to good breeding stock, we’re attracted to that which will destroy us, we’re attracted to the same person over and over again, never be the rebound relationship, the first relationship always fails, we learn from each person we’re with, we’re always the same person no matter who we’re with, it’s not a relationship until a defined amount of time has passed, you should never call it a relationship, don’t talk about whether you want kids, establish immediately if you want the same things, never make jokes whilst having sex, you need to laugh when having sex, it’s not fucking if you’re in a relationship, it should always be fucking no matter what, mind games are necessary to make him do what you want him to, mind games kill whatever you’ve started, spend all of your time together, don’t smother each other, and for gods sake don’t vomit this jumble of thoughts all over that person because they’re never going to understand, talk about everything – it’s the only way to connect…..
No wonder we’re fucked up about this stuff.
The moments of clarity that you have together, they are what and what should always matter: Lying in bed, dappled sunlight, he’s kissing the inside of your forearm while you tell him about new tattoos, everything feels warm and static and you could swear that the air has stilled and the outside world has stopped and nothing is real except this indescribable beinginthemomentness; holding hands for no other reason other than holding hands feels nice; having to stand on tippy toes to kiss him; the sound of his voice on the phone, knowing that he's halfway around the world; feeling the way that you’re smiling and seeing the way that he’s smiling and it’s nothing more than the sight of each other that has caused these silly grins; his hand caressing your face for the first time, a ridiculous drunken fumbling kiss that nonetheless runs throughout your entire body.
Everything else, all those myths and concepts and lessons learned - yes they’re all real and will be there in your head and always part of how you understand (or don’t understand) this experience, but for this time, this glorious apart from the world initial discovery time – they should be nothing but a distant hum.
The myths, mysticism, rules and strictures that we apply to that connection play such a huge part of our experience of the world, and seem to exist only to confuse and confuzzle us even further than we are already by consciousness on this round blue ball.
I tend to think that these stories play such a huge part of our culture because, no matter how you get there and how close you get to someone, you will never ever be anywhere except in your own head. You will never ever be able to see inside of theirs, and this is where the rules and quests for reassurance and the fights and the excuses and the general babble of relationships arise. Because it can feel like you know this person inside and out, and yet you can’t hear them in the most intimate manner possible.
Sage and strongly believed advice I’ve received over the years: Never go for someone younger, never go for someone older, someone your own age may not be the best choice, never go for someone who has been single for over twelve months, never go for someone unless they’ve been single for at least twelve months, always make sure that you share at least five interests in common, too many common interests means that you should just be friends, the sex should start tentatively and get better, if the sex starts badly it’ll never get any better, if the sex starts explosively that’s all it will ever be, sex on the first date means that the relationship means nothing, making or taking booty calls will mean that they’ll think you’re a slut, men and women will never understand each other so why try, women only want to control, men only want to be controlled, this is a war to be fought throughout the ages, love is all you need, love is never enough, lust should be discouraged, love takes forever, love happens in that first meeting, love doesn’t exist, pheromones are to blame, it’s all about the chemical reaction, we’re attracted to good breeding stock, we’re attracted to that which will destroy us, we’re attracted to the same person over and over again, never be the rebound relationship, the first relationship always fails, we learn from each person we’re with, we’re always the same person no matter who we’re with, it’s not a relationship until a defined amount of time has passed, you should never call it a relationship, don’t talk about whether you want kids, establish immediately if you want the same things, never make jokes whilst having sex, you need to laugh when having sex, it’s not fucking if you’re in a relationship, it should always be fucking no matter what, mind games are necessary to make him do what you want him to, mind games kill whatever you’ve started, spend all of your time together, don’t smother each other, and for gods sake don’t vomit this jumble of thoughts all over that person because they’re never going to understand, talk about everything – it’s the only way to connect…..
No wonder we’re fucked up about this stuff.
The moments of clarity that you have together, they are what and what should always matter: Lying in bed, dappled sunlight, he’s kissing the inside of your forearm while you tell him about new tattoos, everything feels warm and static and you could swear that the air has stilled and the outside world has stopped and nothing is real except this indescribable beinginthemomentness; holding hands for no other reason other than holding hands feels nice; having to stand on tippy toes to kiss him; the sound of his voice on the phone, knowing that he's halfway around the world; feeling the way that you’re smiling and seeing the way that he’s smiling and it’s nothing more than the sight of each other that has caused these silly grins; his hand caressing your face for the first time, a ridiculous drunken fumbling kiss that nonetheless runs throughout your entire body.
Everything else, all those myths and concepts and lessons learned - yes they’re all real and will be there in your head and always part of how you understand (or don’t understand) this experience, but for this time, this glorious apart from the world initial discovery time – they should be nothing but a distant hum.
